Pet Stop

Oh fucking snap. So out on the oval, or south oval, rather, there was this huge commotion. I was walking across, back to my dorm, when this hot chick suddenly started screaming from the other side and running in my direction. I followed her eyes to see a small, ugly, poodle running away from her.

As you know, I'm normally pretty lazy, but I could tell from the other side of the oval that this chick was hot. So hey, hot chick! I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, and once I had cleared my thoughts I popped my arms back to let my backpack fall to the ground. The dog was running almost right towards me. Breathing calmly, I spread my legs and extended my arms into a defensive stance. 60 meters and closing... 30... 20... the dog sees me and cuts to the right. I felt like a soccer player as I dove off to my left.

The dog smashed into my body and fell backward. I scrambled toward the thing, picked it up, and started walking toward the girl who appeared very relieved. But as she closed in and I picked up more details I began to realize this wasn't the idealized hot chick that I had deduced from afar. Instead it was an ugly man. So to make the best of the situation I threw the tiny dog down with one hand and declared, "touchdown!"

Scary People

Man, if there's one thing I hate it's people walking awkwardly close to my car. Usually I roll down my window and yell, "Back off!" if someone's walking too close. Sometimes, though, the people are really, really scary. Like just today (this is what prompted this entry) some black guy came up to my car and knocked on the window. This was no ordinary black dude, though. This guy was fucking ripped. He was wearing a shirt, and LeBron James sneakers, and that was it. No socks, and I'm pretty sure no underwear since his penis was partially exposed. And the fucker had a mohawk.

So like I said, the dude knocks on the window. I didn't even see him there at first, so when he knocked and I looked over and saw him you can imagine how my heart jumped. I screamed fuck pretty loud and slammed on the gas pedal. A car nearly hit me, but I'd rather be dead than have to submit to whatever crazy antics he happened to be up to.

Fist Fight

So I was running to High Street last night, somewhat drunk, to grab a bite to eat when this dude yelled something stupid at me. It probably had to do with the fact that I was running. So naturally I stopped and yelled, "What was that?" at him. He glanced back at me, over his shoulder, then continued walking with his group of four. So I run and catch up with him and ask him again, "I'm sorry, did you say say something to me?"

So the guy looks at me and smiles, so what do I do? I give him a playful shove, "You respect me, bitch." So finally the dude turns around, white as shit, and appologizes. I would've accepted it if it wasn't clear that he was trying very hard not to laugh at me. "Fuck you," I spit in his face and with all my might, and perhaps even more might than I normally possess, I kicked him in the balls. Yeah, he dropped to his knees pretty quick.

Kneeling down to his level, I grabbed his chin and pulled it towards my face so I knew he was listening. "I hope you learned something." But just as I finished I was knocked of balance by probably the most pussy kick ever dealt by a man. I looked up at his heroic friend and proclaimed, "You just earned your friend more pain." Still holding his chin in my hand, I gave his face a quick, soft punch followed by a hard punch laying him flat out on the ground.

I stood up, rubbing my hurting fist a bit, and ran the rest of the way to Chipotle.